To be honest, there was absolutely no reason for me to be angry. I didn't even have it in my sights. But then I walked into the kitchen and the dingy white contraption caught my eye. Innocent enough except for one glaring absence. The "clean" light. That little light that was supposed to reassure me that, even in my zombie state, I did, in fact, remember to start the dishwasher before bed last night.
My heart tightened and sometimes I honestly believe one reason God made our teeth so strong was so mothers wouldn't clench them into smithereens. I couldn't help it (in truth I could, but I just didn't want to because this is NOT fair), I just said the words, "Am I the only idiot in this house that knows how to turn on a dishwasher?" I realize I just put that out there- I'm a bad mom. I said idiot and I'm not making excuses. It wasn't nice and totally uncalled for. (I'm working on it, starting with Lysa TerKeurst's Unglued. Pray for me.)
But that's what happens when you wake up and the world is thrust on to your shoulders and you want to shout, "I didn't sign up for this!"
I'm a firm adherent to giving my kids a happy morning before they head to school, but pretty soon I was just done. I cleared off the counters, and loaded the trash, and emptied the bathroom trash, and started the dishwasher, and started breakfast, and let the dog out, and... wiped off the bathroom counter- all except for the sinful empty toilet paper roll lounging by the sink, the roll that someone had bothered to tear in half, but not to throw away. So I called the oldest two in and asked, "Does anyone in here know where a trash can might be? We have several." They are older and so now able to tell when Mama is in a mood, so the oldest said, "Yes Ma'am." She took the roll and headed to the kitchen garbage.
I kept telling myself that these problems were really my own, that they were so insignificant compared to the problems around the world. My dog has cleaner water than half the world's population for Pete's sake. I'm not struggling.
But the struggle is far more fierce and universal than a dishwasher mishap- it's this propensity to make ourselves God. We ask, "why do I do this to myself?" Why? When it turns the one-of-a-kind melody of a child's trusting "Mommy" into the grating of nails on a chalkboard? When it wrings our hearts so hard that there is not a drop of love left for anyone? When it exhausts us beyond reason and way beyond any desire to be rational and actually read the Word of God?
And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
When God is God, all things hold together.
When I play god, it all falls apart.
If you are like me, you probably need to read this:
You are not God.
Relieved at all? Read this one:
Be still and know that I am God.
My mom sent me an email in the midst of the warzone that was my personality. I waded through my mucky attitude and it was worth it to reach her message. She was sending me our weekly memory verses, but it was so much more. It was the Father's words through my mother's fingers. And because I know that there are so many parents who could use an encouraging message from their mother, and especially from our Father, I will leave you with her message. It is for you too. Read it. It is for you.
Dear beautiful daughters,
I feel so blessed to have you as daughters. You are amazing women full of faith and it gives me so much joy to have you in my life. Here’s the bible verses for this week:
Yet I am always with you;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
And afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Love you dearly,